Question - My girlfriend is asking for a sexual fetish, and I can’t deliver.

My girlfriend is asking for a sexual fetish, and I can’t deliver. She told me about it when we started dating, and I said it was cool, and I was into it too because I wanted her to go out with me. I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, but I admit, I’m pretty basic when it comes to that. I like a lot of things but nothing crazy. We’ve been together for a while, and now she’s asking for it. I really can’t do what she wants. How do I get out of it without ending us?

First, I must say that I never believe in beginning a relationship with a lie. Why? It leads to exactly these types of situations or worse. If a person won’t date someone who/who’s not X or hasn’t/doesn’t/isn’t/can’t do something and you lie your way into it, you’re asking for it. They have these “won’t” rules for a reason. Typically, they won’t. Which means heartbreak and a possible bad falling out is probable. I hate to be so negative upfront, but it is what you asked for, dear.

Now, let’s talk about sex. If you’re writing me and not totally square, then there’s some kink or fetish involved. I won’t go too far because I only go so far myself, but at least you have something to work with. There are many factors that will play into whether or not the relationship is going to fall apart. First, how long have you been together? The longer you’ve been an item, the more forgivable the offense. Granted, when you won’t provide what they want, or these things become an issue, it will test things.

Second, how intense, in a good way, is the relationship? I don’t mean the sex/kink, but there are levels of how much someone feels for someone else. Honeymoon periods shouldn’t count, nor should slumps, because they both wear off. In a honeymoon period, most likely at the beginning of the relationship, though they can pop up again from time to time, wait until you’re back. Slumps, well, wedding vows say, “for better or for worse.” There’s a reason for that. Any long-term relationship will experience slumps, whether complacency, a lack of passion, relationship troubles, small or seemingly catastrophic, or all the above. This, understandably, makes one or both parties want to call it quits because now it’s difficult or weak or brings up questions about the relationship and whether it should end. It’s just taking another, excuse my language, shit on the relationship. This makes the relationship much weaker and more doubtful. Baseline is best. If you’re in a slump, try your hardest, believing in the relationship before this or these are considered. If you’re in the honeymoon phase, try to stay there because who doesn’t love honeymoons? Once you’re out, give it a beat and then get right to it. Do not waste time.

Third, how important is the issue? Is it something they want? Something they need? An actual dealbreaker? Depending on this answer, it will be a significant factor in whether you sink or swim. Finally, things can change with age. It may no longer be an issue or is more flexible. Go you, you lucked out. Finally, what is the space between where you are comfortable going and what they want(ed)? This variable is crucial because it requires compromise that you’re both not just comfortable with but happy about.

For example, for my sex kink, I once fantasized about whipped cream and strawberries on me and a partner licking and kissing it off. Sometimes, it was them, but mostly, it was me. This fantasy began in high school and lasted a good while. However, as I got older, the idea did not appeal to me. The fantasy was framed in the parameters of reality. It’s a texture and hygiene thing. I didn’t want a mess on me right before having sex. I’d want to shower between the activities, no matter how good a job my partner licked everything off. Bodies mushing together with a potential residue, whether on me or them, no thank you, because of how having sex would feel with that residue. Also, I haven’t done my homework on the subject, but I doubt it’s very hygienic. When I fantasized about this, it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker, but I would have been let down. Now, if someone wants to do this, I’d agree, but only certain foods (like berries) and whipped cream or sauces, placed very strategically (for the sake of hygiene), and this would be foreplay. Either just this act, or if there was sex, I would need to shower first, and they’d need to be okay with that. See, things changed.

However, I have been in situations where someone lied about something important or a dealbreaker, and it was a quick “Bye.” Again, because of those factors. Sometimes, if they were upfront, it was a, “Sorry, but not going to happen.” These people were kicked (hopefully, kindly) to the curb. However, sometimes, there were people who appealed to me so much upfront or confessed later in the relationship where I was or became okay with it. Again, it’s why those factors above exist. How “into them” was I? How important was it? How long had we been together, and how much heat was present in our baseline?

It all depends. Now, if you are straight-on vanilla and unwilling or terrified to cross the “almost vanilla” line and what she wants, as your question suggests, is kinky on up, there is that gap and compromise factor. Be aware. You did her wrong by lying in the first place. If she drops you, that’s on you. Don’t project it onto her. Own it. Let it be a lesson. Maybe you’ll get over her, and maybe she’ll always be in the back of your mind, sometimes in the front, and you’ll wonder what she’s doing, who she’s with, or how she is. You’ll never know or be prepared not to. That’s the worst case. Best case, she shrugs and respects your boundaries.

If so, you lucky dog, you. You dodged a serious bullet. If it ends, please let it be a lesson. Lying is poison, so if you begin something with a lie, you’re knowingly and willingly poisoning that relationship. It’s you, not them. Don’t poison relationships going forward. Even if you fall into other problems, it’s not on her. She should own what she’s done to hurt you, but the relationship ending and perhaps not being able to be friends or be in each other’s lives, that’s on you. With that, I leave you. I wish you the best of luck, and may your relationship status not change. If it remains the same, still take the lesson before you. Don’t poison your relationship going forward. Ever. Once you do, you take full accountability for its demise.

Much Love, M